'Blowing' it Out of Proportion

Firstly, I must ask the Swiss to forgive me for I come from a land where blowing one's nose is regarded as an activity to be executed only under extreme neccessity , and that too rather surreptitiously, with a slightly embarrassed look on the face widely considered a must. This might come as a surprise to many non-Indians but though blowing one's trumpet is encouraged, blowing one's nose is looked down upon. It is to many the ugly step sister of more remarkable feats such as spitting out juicy, bright red ghutka on footpaths and other people's walls and ofcourse the holiest of holies, that act in which partake only the purest, thoroughbred gentlemen of the land, urinating in public.

So pardon me if I seem naive, maybe even ignorant but I just dont get it. The Swiss have taken this seemingly feral activity and elevated it to a position of such grandeur that many a time it is considered the test of a man's virility. This is not to say that women do not take part. This is an activity in which both sexes take part on the same platform, with equal enthusiasm and thefore fits perfectly with the Swiss attitude on women's rights.

If you know one thing about the Swiss, it's their inane drive for perfection. Just as as they ensure that their trains are punctual to the second, that their watches tell you the right time when you are sitting at 'The Restaraunt at the End of the Universe' a trillion years from now, that their chocolates and cheese taste just right, when it comes to nose-blowing too, achieving perfection is a matter very close to their hearts. Gone are the days when you would receive standing ovations for blowing it loud and hard for 5 minutes. Now, it's commonplace to hear Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite or Beethoven's 9th Symphony, renedered to near perfection on what is at the end of the performance, very wet tissue paper almost annihilated beyond recognition.

In this quest, as in any other quest, the Swiss have had to face many obstacles, some of which you may term comical or even, dare I say it, farcical. Two prime examples spring to mind. One ofcourse is the infamous incident when a runny nose literally dampened the spirits of Mr.Wildmer Blowhard in the midst of performing his magnum opus, a 5 hour long self composition. The poor man was so distraught, his nose never recovered that timbre which had made him a household name. The other was when in a widely televised performance of the Swiss Nose Blowing Symphony Orchestra , the artist blowing the violin was completely out of tune. Later reports revealed that the performer in question had forgotten he didnt have a cold, and as is customary in such circumstances, forgotten to stick his head in a bucket of ice before the performance. Needless to say, he was fired on the spot. Tragically, he now makes ends meet by blowing Vivaldi's 'The Four Seasons' in front of Theatreplatz in Zurich and the Kunstmuseum in Luzern, depending on the public for alms.

Traditionalists fear that the death of this art is near. Gone are the days of the classical maestros they say. 'All you can hear coming out of those young ignoramuses' noses are the latest house hits, rap songs by bow wows, snoop dogs and other rappers with similarly demeaning names, and Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake' is an oft heard gripe. Others believe that this is the only way to attract the younger generation and hence necessary for it's survival. There are some more who believe that the way forward is to attract people from around the world. So far, the Italians have been most receptive to the concept of nose blowing as an art but they are still only taking baby steps. Connosieurs fear that the art will never have a big impact on Asian societies. Juliet Schneider, President of the SNOT ( Swiss National Organisation That nose blows) , known in her day for her long drawn out, extremely complex performances has another view and says the day of fusion performances with Western and Asian or Hindustani nose blowers is not far away. ' It will be a coming together of civilizations, of beliefs, of traditions like none have ever seen before' she says. The biggest obstacle? ' Asians believe in blowing their noses into handkerchiefs and as you very well know cotton never brings out the true musical quality of a blow. What they need is good quality tissue paper' Juliet concludes.

What do I think? I think it's blown out of proportion.